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Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Monday, 06 July 2009

  • Mercy Triumphs over Judgment

    i'm re-posting this entry from over 3 years ago. sigh, i'm still not a very patient person, and have a very long way to go. but this story encourages me once again about the goodness of God. hallelujah.

    =====
    Oh great, a bus dropping off passengers. I don't feel like waiting so I'll zip right in front.. I made it, no problem. Uh oh, I hear the sirens.

    <exchange between cop and me. i give him my license, registration, and insurance card.>

    great job, bob. you can be so darn impatient at times. all you had to do was wait just 5-10 more seconds and you would've been fine! but nooo, you couldn't wait even that long. well, this time i deserve to have the book thrown at me. last time i was this impatient on broad avenue, i was shown mercy by the cop after i cried out "mercy" to God like 50 times. but i definitely won't get it this time, and rightfully so.

    i think this instance of impatience is indicative of what's going on in my life. God, you've been teaching me so much about patience in the last year, but I feel like I'm still not getting it. I get so restless and antsy about every little thing. I try to do everything quickly. I'm quickly counting down the days left in my semester instead of taking care of my own business. Even my times of prayers and worship these days are more of the microwave variety instead of a fresh-cooked gourmet meal. why can't i just chill and trust you? you've been coming through for me over and over again, and yet i still doubt and refuse to take the time to obey and sow accordingly. actually, i'm glad now that i got pulled over.  it's given me time to stop and think about how i've been living...

    hmm, this cop is taking a while. what is he doing? patience, bob. oh look, here he comes. well i actually hope he gives me everything that i deserve. maybe this way i'll learn.

    <cop comes up to car.>
    Cop: Listen, I'm going to give you a break since you're a Ridgefield resident. You deserve a higher fine and 4 insurance points, but I think this charge only comes with a $54 fine and you won't get any points. Just don't do it again.
    Me: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

    <while driving in the slow lane northbound on the Palisades Parkway.>

    Wow. So that's why the cop was taking a while- he was looking to get me off on a lesser charge! That's just like God, isn't it? Our sins carry a consequence with them, but God still looks for ways to show His incredible mercy. My sin is worthy of eternal punishment and the forfeiting of His promises, but yet God forgives me and lets me off the hook. And it's because I'm a citizen of His kingdom (that's better than being a Ridgefield resident)! Of course, there is always a cost to sin but usually, it's more of the $54 variety and there's no eternal stain (or points) on my record. Wow wow wow!


    "But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
    -Romans 8:25

    "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
    -Galatians 5:22-23

    "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
    -1 Corinthians 13:4


Tuesday, 23 June 2009

  • on sin (and friendship)

    I was recently bored in a meeting, so I made a list. I love making lists in my small Moleskine notebook, and I love making lists of my friends. I know, I'm weird. But I make a list of all my friends from time to time as a form of self-encouragement (I channel my inner Stuart Smalley: "Gosh darn it, people like me!"). After I made the list, I stared at it, and combed through every name. An epiphany dawned on me: I have been hurt or offended at least once by every person on the list. And while I didn't think of this at the time, I freely admit that, in kind, I have hurt or offended each one at least once. On one hand, I was thankful; after all, what doesn't kill a friendship only makes it stronger, right? But I was also sad. Why do we hurt each other so easily? Every person in the universe seems to possess the physical attributes of Edward Scissorhands: if you get too close, you and the other party will mutually suffer wounds. And it appears that the older we get, the more this phenomenon occurs. I feel like for most of my life, I have not experienced much loss. Sure, a few friendships have gone awry; but overall, through the first 27 years of my life, my relationships were generally smooth sailing.

    Of course, that all changed when my parents got divorced in the summer of 2006. I haven't seen or heard my dad in person since (we've communicated a few times over email). But I would place that situation into a different category, and besides, he's still my father. In the last four-plus years, since I came home from my prayer journey across the nation, my life is an embarrassment of riches. I've made a large amount of friends. Recently, one friend asked me about my 'room-warming party.' I replied, "I probably won't have one because it's just too hard to pare down my list of friends." I was only half-joking. God has really blessed me with many a friendship, and they are all very precious to me. However, there's a flip side. For one thing, there have been a couple lost relationships. Also, I pride myself on my ability to absorb offenses and not hold grudges; I believe that's a reason why I have so many strong friendships. But I cannot say today that I don't hold grudges against anyone, because that would be a lie. That hard truth also makes me sad. I have always been the idealistic type. Whenever I found trouble in a relationship, I always had confidence that amends would eventually be made. For most of my life, I found these ideals to be well within reach. But I know this not to be true anymore. Dead spots reside in my heart, and I am coming to accept that they are there to stay, at least in this lifetime. I know that my God is a God of restoration, but I'm now surmising that while we're on earth, we can never be made 100% whole.

    At my last mentorship meeting, we were talking politics, specifically about socialism and communism. And Pastor Danny made the point that the ideals of those two political systems are good. But there's one main reason why they will never work on earth: We are sinners. Isn't that the reason for so many things? Sin makes us insecure. Sin makes us quarrelsome. Sin makes us mean. I watch the protest videos in Iran, I see the senseless murders of unarmed protestors, and my keenness toward our fallen nature only increases. And I realize more and more that sin is the reason why we cut each other up good, why we give our friends sharp uppercuts without even knowing it, why the pain of broken relationships has shacked up in the heart of every adult being. I wonder, am I becoming more jaded? Hmm, that was another badge that I proudly wore: Everyone else around me shows signs of emotional weathering, but not me. Has sin succeeded in impressing its hardening effect upon me?

    I purposely end this entry without a pat answer. With each passing year, a few of my assumptions are upended by my life's experiences, and I feel undone and worse yet, exposed. It is not comfortable, it is not a place of rest or happiness. But this I know: God is good, and I long to experience as many tastes and glimpses of heaven as I can while living on this unsavory planet. Because those moments of friendship, when done right, can satisfy a soul like nothing else. And I hope that I can be a contributor to such instants as much, if not more, as am I a recipient.

Friday, 05 June 2009

  • 060509 quick hits

    Can't believe it's June already. I'll write more about my foibles next time. Here are two things on my mind at the current moment.

    1) I moved in with three great brothers this past Sunday, and I am excited about the possibilities of fellowship and accountability. I've already been learning a lot just from spending one week with them. For example, one of my roommates is ridiculously polite; those kinds of people always rub me the wrong way because I feel small around them. I even often told one friend in college to stop being so nice!! But I realize that it's good for me because A) It forces me to be more polite in kind (and hopefully that response pervades my daily behavior), and B) It's just a very pleasant thing.

    Living with people also makes me want to own up to my habits and overall character. For instance, I've made it a rule not to use my laptop in my bedroom. Now, when I retire upstairs, I'm more likely to pray or pick up a book than waste time on the computer. I also don't want to be idle when I get home. Sure, I'll still watch the Mets here and there, but there's a greater desire to read, or at least watch something from which I can learn or cull sermon illustrations (i.e. I'm lovin' the Biography Channel in HD).  It's such a world of difference from when I would come home to my bedroom at my former home, and basically isolate myself for the remainder of the evening. I'm so glad that's no longer the case. God, please use this time at the new house to conform me more to the image of Your son. Amen.

    2) My jaw dropped when I heard the news about George Tiller's murder. I actually found out when I read an email I received from the National Right to Life Committee, which condemned this criminal act. I subsequently received a couple more emails from other pro-life groups.  They were all unanimous: Tiller's murderer was a coward, his death is a tragedy, and this act is not condoned at all. After all, the pro-life movement is about raising awareness through peaceful, nonviolent protests. Of course, I agree; I was intimately involved in the Bound4LIFE movement, and I proudly wear my red LIFE bracelet. When I look back at the many times we wore red LIFE tape over our mouths in front of the U.S. Supreme Court, or prayed silently at a Washington DC Planned Parenthood, or warred corporately in a prayer room for the ending of abortion, I am filled with joy because I believe that we pleased God with our heart and actions.

    I have also prayed for Dr. Tiller on multiple occasions, whether it be by myself or in a prayer meeting. There were times I prayed for his salvation, that he would be convicted of his wrongdoing and repent. What a testimony that would be for the glory of God and for the boon of the pro-life movement! But I will also freely admit that at other junctures, I prayed for judgment upon this man. From estimates I've read, Dr. Tiller has the blood of over 60,000 babies on his hands. His abortion clinic featured a mini-crematorium, and he has often been defiant about his actions. I also knew that he and his wife were active in a church, which baffled me. So I must be honest. When I read the news about Tiller, was my heart filled with horror? Was I repulsed when I read the news? Did I agree 100% with the press releases from pro-life groups condemning this act?

    The answer to all three questions, as you've probably figured out, is no. I will be frank and say that a good portion of my heart was glad. Glad that he would no longer perform these heinous procedures and take the lives of more innocent lives. I am not saying that my heart's reaction was valid or reflected the heart of God in any way, but it was what it was. Now, do I believe that Tiller's murder was the judgment of God? In other words, did God answer my prayer? I simply do not know. I have not read much about the suspected murderer, and who he is doesn't really matter anyway. The Bible is clear that God can use anyone to execute His judgments, including wicked people. But I do not know if that is the case here. The murder also occurred in a church, and I'm thinking that is surely not insignificant. I'm not smart enough, though, to figure out what it all means. I'm wondering what the prophets will say.

    What I do know is that part of me is happy that Dr. Tiller is no longer performing late-term abortions. Is that evil of me? Does that make me a poor Christian, and a poorer pastor? Maybe it does. But I'm just being honest about my visceral reaction. And honestly, it has not changed as this week has passed by.

Saturday, 30 May 2009

  • 53009: "On Foibles I"

    As a former sportswriter and SAT reading tutor, and current preacher, I have my share of favorite words. No. 1 on the list has to be 'sanguine.' It's a word that suits me well, and it is my heart's desire that every human being have that word associated with his or her personality. I also love the word's origin. 'Sanguine' is derived from the Greek word for 'blood.' The ancient Greeks believed that if blood was your predominant bodily fluid, you would be healthy, happy, hopeful, and ready to fall in love. Yup, that word definitely fits me. I have a few other choice words. Who could not enjoy 'punctilious,' which has a pronunciation that sounds like its meaning? And about a week ago, I heard Howie Rose (the Mets' radio announcer) utter the word 'hirsute' on my car stereo, and it brought a smile to my face. Maybe I responded accordingly because it's a fun word; maybe I just felt extra smart for knowing the definition.

    These days, the prized vocabulary word that I've been using the most in my prayers and journal entries is 'foible.' Foible, a noun meaning 'a moral weakness or folly.' My preferred definition is the Shakespearean 'tragic flaw.' 2009 was been a difficult year for me, mainly in that I have been constantly reminded of my foibles. I have many foibles, but I will focus on my two 'self' foibles, them being selfishness and lack of self-control. I began full-time ministry in February 2009, right after I officially graduated from seminary the month prior. Immediately, I began to realize how easy life has been for me in the last four years. Ever since I returned to New Jersey in March 2005, I've worked part-time and been in school full-time; the result has been lots of free time. Even last year, I led a TLC group, preached every Friday, took classes full-time, and tutored regularly. And I still had plenty of extra hours to waste away. There was not enough pressure to make me more disciplined, and there was little happening to assign a microscope onto my foibles.

    Enter my full-time position at Palisades Church. The running theme for the first couple of months has been EXPOSED! I felt like I was in that dream where everyone is staring at you and it takes you way too long to realize that you're wearing your birthday suit (everyone's had that dream at least a few dozens of times, right?). Now, there are a multitude of demands on my time that are only matched by the height of expectations provided by my senior pastors, fellow pastors, elders and deacons, parents, and students. (That sentence is not totally fair; I've received a wellspring of support from said parties. But hey, this is my rendition). Also, I hadn't worked full-time since my job as a sportswriter, which ended in June 2004. My mind and body had totally forgotten what it was like working a 40-hour job (more like 50-60 hours a week as a pastor). Therefore, it was much easier to keep my selfishness and lack of self-control tucked away underneath the surface. It wasn't that my foibles went unnoticed; I was fully aware of their sneering presence. It's more accurate to write that it was easier to ignore rather than to address them. Of course, that's exactly when God shines His light upon thee.

    Part II next time...

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