since xanga is dead, i've relocated to http://bobandweave.wordpress.com. please join me in this new venture! thank you for everything, Xanga!

i'm re-posting this entry from over 3 years ago. sigh, i'm still not a very patient person, and have a very long way to go. but this story encourages me once again about the goodness of God. hallelujah.

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Oh great, a bus dropping off passengers. I don't feel like waiting so I'll zip right in front.. I made it, no problem. Uh oh, I hear the sirens.

<exchange between cop and me. i give him my license, registration, and insurance card.>

great job, bob. you can be so darn impatient at times. all you had to do was wait just 5-10 more seconds and you would've been fine! but nooo, you couldn't wait even that long. well, this time i deserve to have the book thrown at me. last time i was this impatient on broad avenue, i was shown mercy by the cop after i cried out "mercy" to God like 50 times. but i definitely won't get it this time, and rightfully so.

i think this instance of impatience is indicative of what's going on in my life. God, you've been teaching me so much about patience in the last year, but I feel like I'm still not getting it. I get so restless and antsy about every little thing. I try to do everything quickly. I'm quickly counting down the days left in my semester instead of taking care of my own business. Even my times of prayers and worship these days are more of the microwave variety instead of a fresh-cooked gourmet meal. why can't i just chill and trust you? you've been coming through for me over and over again, and yet i still doubt and refuse to take the time to obey and sow accordingly. actually, i'm glad now that i got pulled over.  it's given me time to stop and think about how i've been living...

hmm, this cop is taking a while. what is he doing? patience, bob. oh look, here he comes. well i actually hope he gives me everything that i deserve. maybe this way i'll learn.

<cop comes up to car.>
Cop: Listen, I'm going to give you a break since you're a Ridgefield resident. You deserve a higher fine and 4 insurance points, but I think this charge only comes with a $54 fine and you won't get any points. Just don't do it again.
Me: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

<while driving in the slow lane northbound on the Palisades Parkway.>

Wow. So that's why the cop was taking a while- he was looking to get me off on a lesser charge! That's just like God, isn't it? Our sins carry a consequence with them, but God still looks for ways to show His incredible mercy. My sin is worthy of eternal punishment and the forfeiting of His promises, but yet God forgives me and lets me off the hook. And it's because I'm a citizen of His kingdom (that's better than being a Ridgefield resident)! Of course, there is always a cost to sin but usually, it's more of the $54 variety and there's no eternal stain (or points) on my record. Wow wow wow!

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
-Romans 8:25

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
-Galatians 5:22-23

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
-1 Corinthians 13:4

I was recently bored in a meeting, so I made a list. I love making lists in my small Moleskine notebook, and I love making lists of my friends. I know, I'm weird. But I make a list of all my friends from time to time as a form of self-encouragement (I channel my inner Stuart Smalley: "Gosh darn it, people like me!"). After I made the list, I stared at it, and combed through every name. An epiphany dawned on me: I have been hurt or offended at least once by every person on the list. And while I didn't think of this at the time, I freely admit that, in kind, I have hurt or offended each one at least once. On one hand, I was thankful; after all, what doesn't kill a friendship only makes it stronger, right? But I was also sad. Why do we hurt each other so easily? Every person in the universe seems to possess the physical attributes of Edward Scissorhands: if you get too close, you and the other party will mutually suffer wounds. And it appears that the older we get, the more this phenomenon occurs. I feel like for most of my life, I have not experienced much loss. Sure, a few friendships have gone awry; but overall, through the first 27 years of my life, my relationships were generally smooth sailing.

Of course, that all changed when my parents got divorced in the summer of 2006. I haven't seen or heard my dad in person since (we've communicated a few times over email). But I would place that situation into a different category, and besides, he's still my father. In the last four-plus years, since I came home from my prayer journey across the nation, my life is an embarrassment of riches. I've made a large amount of friends. Recently, one friend asked me about my 'room-warming party.' I replied, "I probably won't have one because it's just too hard to pare down my list of friends." I was only half-joking. God has really blessed me with many a friendship, and they are all very precious to me. However, there's a flip side. For one thing, there have been a couple lost relationships. Also, I pride myself on my ability to absorb offenses and not hold grudges; I believe that's a reason why I have so many strong friendships. But I cannot say today that I don't hold grudges against anyone, because that would be a lie. That hard truth also makes me sad. I have always been the idealistic type. Whenever I found trouble in a relationship, I always had confidence that amends would eventually be made. For most of my life, I found these ideals to be well within reach. But I know this not to be true anymore. Dead spots reside in my heart, and I am coming to accept that they are there to stay, at least in this lifetime. I know that my God is a God of restoration, but I'm now surmising that while we're on earth, we can never be made 100% whole.

At my last mentorship meeting, we were talking politics, specifically about socialism and communism. And Pastor Danny made the point that the ideals of those two political systems are good. But there's one main reason why they will never work on earth: We are sinners. Isn't that the reason for so many things? Sin makes us insecure. Sin makes us quarrelsome. Sin makes us mean. I watch the protest videos in Iran, I see the senseless murders of unarmed protestors, and my keenness toward our fallen nature only increases. And I realize more and more that sin is the reason why we cut each other up good, why we give our friends sharp uppercuts without even knowing it, why the pain of broken relationships has shacked up in the heart of every adult being. I wonder, am I becoming more jaded? Hmm, that was another badge that I proudly wore: Everyone else around me shows signs of emotional weathering, but not me. Has sin succeeded in impressing its hardening effect upon me?

I purposely end this entry without a pat answer. With each passing year, a few of my assumptions are upended by my life's experiences, and I feel undone and worse yet, exposed. It is not comfortable, it is not a place of rest or happiness. But this I know: God is good, and I long to experience as many tastes and glimpses of heaven as I can while living on this unsavory planet. Because those moments of friendship, when done right, can satisfy a soul like nothing else. And I hope that I can be a contributor to such instants as much, if not more, as am I a recipient.

As a former sportswriter and SAT reading tutor, and current preacher, I have my share of favorite words. No. 1 on the list has to be 'sanguine.' It's a word that suits me well, and it is my heart's desire that every human being have that word associated with his or her personality. I also love the word's origin. 'Sanguine' is derived from the Greek word for 'blood.' The ancient Greeks believed that if blood was your predominant bodily fluid, you would be healthy, happy, hopeful, and ready to fall in love. Yup, that word definitely fits me. I have a few other choice words. Who could not enjoy 'punctilious,' which has a pronunciation that sounds like its meaning? And about a week ago, I heard Howie Rose (the Mets' radio announcer) utter the word 'hirsute' on my car stereo, and it brought a smile to my face. Maybe I responded accordingly because it's a fun word; maybe I just felt extra smart for knowing the definition.

These days, the prized vocabulary word that I've been using the most in my prayers and journal entries is 'foible.' Foible, a noun meaning 'a moral weakness or folly.' My preferred definition is the Shakespearean 'tragic flaw.' 2009 was been a difficult year for me, mainly in that I have been constantly reminded of my foibles. I have many foibles, but I will focus on my two 'self' foibles, them being selfishness and lack of self-control. I began full-time ministry in February 2009, right after I officially graduated from seminary the month prior. Immediately, I began to realize how easy life has been for me in the last four years. Ever since I returned to New Jersey in March 2005, I've worked part-time and been in school full-time; the result has been lots of free time. Even last year, I led a TLC group, preached every Friday, took classes full-time, and tutored regularly. And I still had plenty of extra hours to waste away. There was not enough pressure to make me more disciplined, and there was little happening to assign a microscope onto my foibles.

Enter my full-time position at Palisades Church. The running theme for the first couple of months has been EXPOSED! I felt like I was in that dream where everyone is staring at you and it takes you way too long to realize that you're wearing your birthday suit (everyone's had that dream at least a few dozens of times, right?). Now, there are a multitude of demands on my time that are only matched by the height of expectations provided by my senior pastors, fellow pastors, elders and deacons, parents, and students. (That sentence is not totally fair; I've received a wellspring of support from said parties. But hey, this is my rendition). Also, I hadn't worked full-time since my job as a sportswriter, which ended in June 2004. My mind and body had totally forgotten what it was like working a 40-hour job (more like 50-60 hours a week as a pastor). Therefore, it was much easier to keep my selfishness and lack of self-control tucked away underneath the surface. It wasn't that my foibles went unnoticed; I was fully aware of their sneering presence. It's more accurate to write that it was easier to ignore rather than to address them. Of course, that's exactly when God shines His light upon thee.

Part II next time...

We all have requirements, and we all have "dealbreakers." For me, there are some obvious requirements. She has to be a Christian. She has to be a ministry partner. She has to be pro-life. She has to be physically attractive to me (I have heard girls say that looks don't matter, and I can believe them. But I've never heard a guy say that, and if he did, who would believe him? That's just how God made the male race; we are visually oriented and stimulated. We shouldn't have to apologize for it!).

But for the longest time, I've had what people would coin a 'superficial' dealbreaker. I always insisted that it was not; after all, if it's important to me, who are you to call it shallow?? The dealbreaker was as follows: She could not be a Yankees fan (commence snickering and rolling of the eyes). My thinking was quite logical: The Mets are important to me, and I view the other Big Apple team as the enemy and all that is wrong with the universe. I mean, how could we possibly co-exist under the same roof until death do us part? It made perfect sense within the confines of my savvy intellect. Therefore, I would tirelessly defend this noble cause before many a friend. Those who didn't agree with me, well, they were just stubborn or misguided or on one of those totally unjustified crusades against the Mets (et tu, comrade? then fall, Mr. Met). They lacked light in their eyes and minds, I reasoned.

I have changed my tune. It came to me slowly. I have a friend, let's call her "E." E is a cool gal and an esteemed amiga. Great all-around girl. I have no interest in her for undisclosed reasons. Now, E is a big Yankees fan. Now there are two types of Yankees fans. Many Yankees fans are bandwagoners. They root for the Yankees because the Bronx Bombers are the more "chic" team, because they've won all these championships (COUNT the ringzzz!!!!!), because Derek Jeter is so darn adorable. They couldn't name any other player on the team except A-Rod and the aforementioned El Capitan. E does not fall into that category; she is a legit Yankees fan. I mention this because if a girl did fall into the first category, she would not necessarily suffer the consequences of my dealbreaker. There would be hope that I could take her by the hand and enable her to see the glories of Carlos Beltran, Citi Field, and the oh-so-catchy "Meet the Mets" jingle.

There is no such hope with E; she is an ensconced Yankees fan (oh, I must note: I received E's permission to use her example for the purposes of this entry). I asked myself recently: If she had all the other qualities that I was looking for in my future wife, would I kick her aside because of this one dealbreaker? And I realized, that would not be a good idea. If she had 90% of what I was looking for, it would be pretty dumb to drop her because of this one issue. Certainly, it is still not preferable, and I'd like to gander that God knows my heart (even the so-called superficial desires). But yes, the worm has turned.

Maybe it really was a superficial dealbreaker. Rejoice, you Pinstripe backers of the fairer gender, it has disappeared like Ollie Perez. Maybe this decision is a function of my age, ergo, I realize that I should not be so picky. Maybe I'm mellowing on the Mets and realizing that how they do should be not directly correlated to my level of happiness. Maybe I'm just getting wiser... Nahh. I must simply be getting older. LGM.

hello xanga.

do people still read this site? if you read my xanga, can you let me know by commenting?

and while you're at it, i have a request.

i've been challenged in the last month or so that i need to start writing again. i know that God has called me to be a writer, and even an author one day.

but my writing has gotten terribly rusty. yes, i write sermons every week for my youth group, but that's a different skill.

i had a good talk with a friend last week, and he told me that the key is to write consistently. he told me how during his stand-up days, Jerry Seinfeld would make it a point to write out at least one joke a day. it didn't matter if it wasn't any good.

therefore, starting next week, i plan to post here at least twice a week. say, about 500 words or so. i'll write on anything that comes to mind and sparks my desire to write - it could be God, ministry, baseball, girls, politics, news, food, books. But the point is, I know that I need to write. it's time to remove the rust.

so if there's any topic you'd like me to (try to) address, let me know! thanks!

best. song. ever.

this song is currently 2nd. i picture myself singing it at the devil. totally fires me up!!!

Time
It's eating me alive
Unable to rewind
Sink deeper while i'm climbing
Never to arrive

I gave you everything
But still you need to feed
And underneath it all i'm screaming out

Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that i'm dying right now
And it seems that i'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now i will overtake you

Just one that you can use
One risk but you can't lose
Play the victim while abusing
Anyone you choose

Painful consequence
Of standing on your lies
I'm barely breathing but i'm screaming out

Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that i'm dying right now
And it seems that i'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now i will overtake you

I know that i'm dying right now
And it seems that i'm so far gone
(overtake you)
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now i will overtake

You'll come to get me, but you'll end up dead
You'll come to get me, but you'll end up dead
You'll come to get me, but you'll end up dead
You'll come to get me, but you'll end up dead

Just carry on
Just prove me wrong
I know that i'm dying right now
And it seems that i'm so far gone
But not for long
I'll just be strong and keep knowing
That now i will overtake you

You'll come to get me, but you'll end up dead
You'll come to get me, but you'll end up dead
(overtake you)
You'll come to get me, but you'll end up dead
(overtake you, overtake you)
You'll come to get me
(overtake you)
You'll come to get me

two more RED songs for ya today... first is "Fight Inside," which was the first single released off the new CD. man, this song is incredible. we all have our good sides, and our dark sides. and the fight inside versus our dark sides can get very fierce and ugly; this song captures that struggle. i'll let one of the Red guys explain it, b/c he does a better job than i would: "Swinging from beautiful piano-driven verses to an explosive chorus—and a furious climax—the music captures the internal tug-o-war inside us all between good and evil, light and darkness, spirit and flesh, exploring that fragile barrier between overcoming and being overcome."

the 2nd song is Red's cover of "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran. this was one of my favorite songs back in the day (i've been known to do it at karaoke a few times). beautifully done, and yes, the song fits perfectly into the theme of the album: "Lyrically, the song just fit the overall theme of Innocence & Instinct by its longing for a return to something more familiar, more secure, more ordinary."

lyrics follow the songs.

Fight Inside

Enemy
Familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Knowing truth
Whispering lies
And it hurts again...

What I fear
What I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain
I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's still the same
Pursuing pain
Isn't worth the light I've gained
We both know
How this will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's nothing (It's everything)
It's nothing (It's everything)
It's nothing (It's everything)
It's nothing, It's everything

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's breaking me
It's breaking me

I'm falling apart
I'm falling apart

Ordinary World

Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights the TV and the radio
but still I can't escape the ghost of you

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some would say
Where is the life that I recognize?
gone away

And I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window
cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some would say
where is my friend when I need you most?
gone away

But I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some would say
Where is the world that I recognize?
Gone away

And I won’t cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Everyone is my world (I will learn to survive)
Everyone, everyone, somehow (Somehow I have to find)

i come back from my xanga hiatus (i'm not really on one) to hype the new RED album. you know how after a band comes out with an amazing debut album, you get worried that it'll fall victim to the dreaded sophomore jinx? well, i'm glad to say that there's no jinx for RED! when i first got the new CD, i popped it in my car and was blown away by its mastery on my way to church. so powerful, emotional, moving, deep... no wonder this reviewer gave it a 10/10. also, this website is cool b/c it gives a short explanation by RED of each song's meaning.

i've delayed writing this entry because i didn't know which song to feature.. there's so many good ones, and in my eyes, the album forms a progression. it starts with the "Fight Inside" our minds and hearts between the good and the dark side. then there's the eye-opening "Death of Me" which reminds us that often our own mistakes lead to our own downfall. the next 3 songs are about love, and the confusion and pain that often accompanies it. anyway, here is my current favorite song on the album, it's entitled "Mystery of You." enjoy! and buy this album!

You always said we'd meet again
You always said You'd be here
Where are You now?
You touched the deepest part of me
The places I could not see
Just tell me why I'm so dark inside

Somewhere I will find
All the pieces torn apart
You just left behind
In Your mystery
Somewhere I will see
All You've taken from me
All You kept deep inside
In the mystery of You
The mystery of You

It's obvious You understand
The blood that's on my hands
Where are You now?
I'm paralyzed, I can't escape
Until I see Your face
Don't leave me all alone
You're all I know

You're all I know.....
You’re all I know..........
Don't go..........
don't go..........

Somewhere I will find
The pieces torn apart
You've hidden deep inside
The mystery of You
(Somewhere, somewhere)
The mystery of You
(Somewhere)

wow, the new Red song really ministers to me. i'm lovin' it.

a few quick updates on my life:

-I'm moving back to my old condo with my mom, stepdad, and stepbrother next Friday! We never closed the deal on our house. Currently I live in a tiny room that has no privacy and is really cold during the winter. Now I'll be moving into a carpeted master bedroom. This move will be a good one for my prayer life!

-This year has been quite the joyride in so many ways. The next few months will be even more exciting: I turn 30 years old, I get my M-Div degree and finish my Joy internship, and most likely, I will be a youth pastor somewhere early next year.

-Friday Night WIRE has been amazing. The leaders I work with are awesome. So many have encouraged, with Pastor Danny being my main coach and cheerleader. But I believe God is telling me that it's time to step out of my cocoon. It's time to fly!! God help me...

-Oh, and I just found out today that there was a mistake with my school registration and I'm getting an $840 credit! wOOt! Praise the Lord!!! I've been learning so much about finances this year, including issues rooted in my family upbringing that messed with my view of money. Wow, God has taught me so many things this year.

-And finally, my Facebook ETA is coming very soon. Stay tuned