I was recently bored in a meeting, so I made a list. I love making lists in my small Moleskine notebook, and I love making lists of my friends. I know, I'm weird. But I make a list of all my friends from time to time as a form of self-encouragement (I channel my inner Stuart Smalley: "Gosh darn it, people like me!"). After I made the list, I stared at it, and combed through every name. An epiphany dawned on me: I have been hurt or offended at least once by every person on the list. And while I didn't think of this at the time, I freely admit that, in kind, I have hurt or offended each one at least once. On one hand, I was thankful; after all, what doesn't kill a friendship only makes it stronger, right? But I was also sad. Why do we hurt each other so easily? Every person in the universe seems to possess the physical attributes of Edward Scissorhands: if you get too close, you and the other party will mutually suffer wounds. And it appears that the older we get, the more this phenomenon occurs. I feel like for most of my life, I have not experienced much loss. Sure, a few friendships have gone awry; but overall, through the first 27 years of my life, my relationships were generally smooth sailing.

Of course, that all changed when my parents got divorced in the summer of 2006. I haven't seen or heard my dad in person since (we've communicated a few times over email). But I would place that situation into a different category, and besides, he's still my father. In the last four-plus years, since I came home from my prayer journey across the nation, my life is an embarrassment of riches. I've made a large amount of friends. Recently, one friend asked me about my 'room-warming party.' I replied, "I probably won't have one because it's just too hard to pare down my list of friends." I was only half-joking. God has really blessed me with many a friendship, and they are all very precious to me. However, there's a flip side. For one thing, there have been a couple lost relationships. Also, I pride myself on my ability to absorb offenses and not hold grudges; I believe that's a reason why I have so many strong friendships. But I cannot say today that I don't hold grudges against anyone, because that would be a lie. That hard truth also makes me sad. I have always been the idealistic type. Whenever I found trouble in a relationship, I always had confidence that amends would eventually be made. For most of my life, I found these ideals to be well within reach. But I know this not to be true anymore. Dead spots reside in my heart, and I am coming to accept that they are there to stay, at least in this lifetime. I know that my God is a God of restoration, but I'm now surmising that while we're on earth, we can never be made 100% whole.

At my last mentorship meeting, we were talking politics, specifically about socialism and communism. And Pastor Danny made the point that the ideals of those two political systems are good. But there's one main reason why they will never work on earth: We are sinners. Isn't that the reason for so many things? Sin makes us insecure. Sin makes us quarrelsome. Sin makes us mean. I watch the protest videos in Iran, I see the senseless murders of unarmed protestors, and my keenness toward our fallen nature only increases. And I realize more and more that sin is the reason why we cut each other up good, why we give our friends sharp uppercuts without even knowing it, why the pain of broken relationships has shacked up in the heart of every adult being. I wonder, am I becoming more jaded? Hmm, that was another badge that I proudly wore: Everyone else around me shows signs of emotional weathering, but not me. Has sin succeeded in impressing its hardening effect upon me?

I purposely end this entry without a pat answer. With each passing year, a few of my assumptions are upended by my life's experiences, and I feel undone and worse yet, exposed. It is not comfortable, it is not a place of rest or happiness. But this I know: God is good, and I long to experience as many tastes and glimpses of heaven as I can while living on this unsavory planet. Because those moments of friendship, when done right, can satisfy a soul like nothing else. And I hope that I can be a contributor to such instants as much, if not more, as am I a recipient.